Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Starring: Mark Hamill, Daisy Ridley, Oscar Isaac, Adam Driver, John Boyega, Carrie Fisher, Kelly Marie Tran, Laura Dern, Andy Serkis, Benicio del Toro & Frank Oz

Directed By: Rian Johnson

Rating: ★½

Another year, another Star Wars film. And ever since Disney took over the Star Wars franchise, it seems that we will have a Star Wars film ever single year- indefinitely. 

Use The Force Luke!

This year, instead of a weird prequel/sequel, we have a canonical episode that follows on from The Force Awakens. And although I didn’t think The Force Awakens was as great as everyone else, it had some merits, including some great new characters and the potential for a strong sequel.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi, is not a strong sequel. It’s the cinematic equivalent of an ouroboros- the self-eating snake that spins in a circle and has no beginning or end- because the movie finishes pretty much in the same place it began, with hardly any plot, character development or even anything remotely interesting taking place.

Rey's lost in space.

But that’s what happens when you hire the hack writer/director of cinema turds such as Looperand Brick. Disney needs control, and by asking weak and awful directors to take the helm, the producers and executive producers ensure that they have full reign over their vast empire- ironically mirroring the villains of the movie. 

Snoke wants to take over the galaxy but can't take down a small group of rebels.

In The Last Jedi, things sort of start immediately from the last movie with Rey (Ridley), but not with the other characters, in the first of many inconvenient and sloppily written plot holes.  As Rey learns how not to use The Force with Luke Skywalker (Hamill), Kylo Ren (Driver) stares into space and mind-rapes Rey, Finn (Boyega) and Rose Tico (Tran) ride around on giant cat monsters in Casinoland, Poe Dameron (Isaac) annoys everyone around him, and Princess Leia (Fisher) becomes Superman from Justice League.

What are you running for? There's no tension in this movie- trust me.

Although the film opens and closes with multiple battles, the circular plots that include the most deus ex machinas I think I’ve ever seen in a single movie turn out to be incredibly dull and tedious viewing. How many times can the same characters be saved by magically convenient plot devices, and how many sub plots can come to a dead end and turn out to be completely fruitless?

Also, for a film set in outer space, a lot of characters who appear human seem to be able to breathe very well in the vast void of the galaxy.

It’s painful, messy writing, which is only saved by some great visuals. Just like the abominable Ridley Scott, hack director Rian relies entirely on a competent cinematographer to make the film look pretty, but adds absolutely nothing else to the film’s narrative cohesion.

Rpse Tico and Finn are great, but they don't get to do anything important.

And because it looks nice, of course the critics loved it. But stirking visual alone cannot save a boring two-and-a-half-hour film with a wafer-thin plot in which nothing really happens. 

Kylo Ren: the face of a bland emo villain

Basically for all the of the great actors and strong characters that were in The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi pretty much wastes the opportunities it could have taken with overly long scenes of boring exposition, plot holes that go nowhere, and one finale too many. How many light sabre battles, spaceship dog fights and giant robot skirmishes that amount to nothing can you see in one film- let alone a series of films? I'm sure the fans were happy to see a repeat of the same things we've seen multiple times before (and this is coming from someone who has seen almost all of the Marvel films!)- but I’m not. 

So all that cat-riding meant nothing?

Not only is Finn wasted and continues to play the comic relief buffoon, Poe Dameron doesn't get to do much except be insolent, and Laura Dern’s talents are underutilised. Also, Princess Leia doesn’t get a chance to develop past the fact that we find out she’s secretly Superman, which is annoying because as the leader of the rebels you’d think she’d be given more interesting things to do than fly through space and then fall into a coma. 

Laura Dern is great- but doesn't get enough screen time.

The only good things about the film are as follows: newcomer character Rose Tico, the red sand, Rey getting lost in a mirror, and a certain character’s floppy chopped off hand. 

But what do I know? Star Wars: The Last Jedi is raking it in, so clearly I'm missing something because I’m sure that everyone else in the world loved this movie and will pay to see the next one.

I certainly won’t.